Conflict: Typically negative connetations, we often look at is as a negative experience, words like frustration, disagreement, anger, rage, war, violence etc. come to mind. But other words like victory, exciting, strengthening, solution, creativity, vision, change, clarifying are just as descriptive.
In a lot of conflict we learn valuable lessons. Strategy, losing gracefully etc., are often valuable lesson resulting from conflict. Christians also have a different slant on conflict and is ill equipped to deal with it Conflict enters our story early on in genesis where we are in conflict with our creator. We desired to be God and thus distanced ourselves from Him resulting in sin and loss and brokeness until Jesus came and gave himself for our sins, reconciling or resolving the sin issue.

1. CONFLICT DEFINITIONS:

- "Interpersonal conflict refers to a disagreement between or among connect individuals: close friends, lovers, or family members. -Joseph DeVito.
- "It is a struggle that occurs when two people cannot agree on a way to meet their needs or goals" - Steven Beebe

2 TImothy 4:6-7 "fought the good fight..."
Ephesian 6:12 "struggle is not against flesh and blood...."
Psalm 121:1 "i look to the heavens where does my strength come from....."

"But nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight--Got to kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight" Cockburn

- "Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals" - Joyce Hocker & William W. Wilmot

Communication behavior results in or reflects conflict, it also reveals conflict. Finally communication is the vehicle for productive or destructive results in conflict.

- "Interpersonal conflict exists when people who depend on each other express different views, interest, or goals, and perceive their views as incompatible or oppositional" - Julia Wood

The greater you care about the relationship the more the conflict escalates, you might say you don't fight with people that don't matter.
There is some sort of interdependence that exists in conflict. Because of this there is also a felt need to resolve the conflict, for just as you fight with someone that matters, you will fight to keep that relationship or re-establish it following the conflict.

2. SOME MYTHS ABOUT CONFLICT

- Conflict should always be avoided
- Conflict always occurs because of misunderstandings (most often when we say "you don't understand" this is not true, we each understand what the other wants, but we don't agree..there is a different set of values or priorities at the time.
- Conflict is always a sign of a poor interpersonal relationship
- Conflict can always be resolved
- Conflict is always bad

TAKEAWAY:
"Conflict can have both negative and positive effects. The focus should not be on avoidance but should be on managing and resolving conflict."

Handout#1:

1. My typical response to conflict is to elevate it and go as hard as in necessary to win.
2. My greatest strength is resourcefulness, also persistence.
3. To maintain a greater sense of calm to not let my emotions rule me as much.
4. Victory.....
5. Strength, knowledge, bonding.
6. I rarely choose to avoid conflict, when I do it is usually because it is just not worth it, there is nothing to gain.

3. COMMON IMAGES OF CONFLICT
(Hocker & Wilmot)

- Conflict is War: the military image is the central image of conflict, and often military language is also the central theme of arguments and verbal conflict. "Your claims are indefensible", "he attacked every weak point in my argument", "I demolished his argument", "he shot down all of my key points" Even in corporate life we see the "chain of command", "attacking competitors", "following orders", etc. Chronic use of the military mentality greatly reduces the chance for resolution and understanding.

- Conflict is Explosive: "he's about to blow up", "short fused", "push my buttons", etc. etc. Trigger issues, chain reactions, once it starts it can't be stopped. This metaphor limits creativity and resolution in conflict.

Separate Point"You become an enabler by being an avoider"

- Conflict is a Trial: the metaphor of law-courts: "the jury's still out, the best case, accusing me of what?" Going to court always creates enemies, it has the need for both parties to fight each other and rarely deals with the underlying issues.

- Conflict is an Upward Struggle: if you get high or strong enough, get above your opponent, you will win. It is power abusive. One-Upping, etc. "Superior, rising power, low man on the totem pole" When trying to get into a position of height or power you are usually locked into an agressive spirtal.

- Conflict is Mess: "can of worms, disintegration, garbage:Gives a poor metaphor of conflict as something that is disgusting and to be avoided. Limits creativity to the extent that feelings are messy and to be judged. These feelings then end up being swept under the carpet etc.

- Conflict is A Game: "the ball is in your court, team players, instant replay" This metaphor is limiting when people don't play fair, or when conflict is viewed as a competition, cannot accept loss. This is exceptionally true in intimate or personal conflicts

- Conflict is a Heroic Adventure: "the wild west, knight in shining armor, damsel in distress" This metaphor is limiting as it puts power on one person or "Hero" and sets up false expectations, leaves spectators feeling helpless and puts unfair pressure on the hero. If a hero does not emerge people lose hope.

-Conflict is a bargaining table: "coming to the table" a spatial metaphor symbolizing equal discussion and interaction.

- Conflict is a dance: "stepping on peoples toes, learning to dance to the same music"

- Conflict as Balance

- Conflict as a Tide "ebb and flow"

TAKEAWAY:

Destructive Conflicts: leave participants feeling that the have lost

Productive Conflicts: leave participants feeling satisfied and with something gained.

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January, 20th, 2014