Anxiety

Anxiety

1. OCD

   • Solutions
     • forcing myself to provide a logical reason for my actions
       • if something is more logical do that instead
     • No tolerance policy
     • Trusting my own logic until new information becomes available
       • then modify it to the new info
   • What perfection is in reality
     • logical and practical and accessible to all
   • What my OCD acts like perfection is
     • weird adherence to rules and ideas I'm told or hear without the ability to break them apart and have difficulty
       • Applying the individual components practically
       • rejecting some parts and keep others
         • ie MBTI & Jung
   • Components
     • Examples
       • Worries about the colors of this and them "not being right"
         • Even though there is no rhyme or reason behind what a "right color" is
           • having to "feel out" what is "right"
       • writing as if someone is going to read what I write and I dont want to look stupid
       • When I have a theory about myself i have to embody it rather than check to see if it is actually true
         • forced mental states
       • Sudden feeling that something, an idea that I have, a conversational topic, or the way i'm doing something is very very bad.
         • as a result: my mood changes, I get frustrated, I have to change topic or end the conversation
           • sometimes i get desperate and snap at the other person.
     • Imagined Penalty
       • Undefined
       • defined
     • Not trusting my own logic (relates to social anxiety)
       • Always assuming I am wrong
     • I don't know if this actually is ocd or something else or just normal.. but i have mental blocks
       • if I adhere to a position or idea as better than another as a pride thing etc I become unable to visualize the other side no matter how hard i try
   • much lighter than social anxiety

2. Social Anxiety

   • Causes & Fears
     • ADHD
       • confusion
         • Didn't know what i was doing wrong as a kid
       • forgetfulness
       • motivation issues
       • overestimating the time it takes me to do things
       • "not listening"
       • the things that matter to me not the same as what matters to others
       • Tendency to miss information
       • easily distracted
       • apparently I was unable to read social cues as a kid
       • hyperfocus
       • Changing my mind often
       • Belief that I'm naturally lazy and bad
       • confusion -> tendency to ignore the obvious solution and practicalness of knowledge because i cant break apart what i know (SI)
       • tendency to lose track of the big picture and go down rabbit holes
     • Illogical Shame and Guilt
       • Yes, these go against my actual understanding of the situation
       • Believing that I am overexcitable and that is a bad thing, annoying, and embarrassing
         • though that is what motivates me
     • Christianity
     • fear of people seeing what I do and mistaking my reasons for doing things for something bad
     • Believing that i am always "bad" even when there is no reason
     • the underlying idea that everyone else's thoughts are more important than mine
   • Manifestations
     • Not trusting my own logic
     • Avoiding conversation
     • Lack of Confidence
     • Constant fear that I'm going to offend someone
     • Diminished ability to stand up for myself
     • Overuse of modifiers such as "probably" "maybe" "really" "you know" "like" "kinda" "literally"
     • Inferiority Complex
     • Always feeling that I have to prove myself, and my ideas
       • "No one will believe me because it's me
         • And I am way over excitable and too prone to fool myself when i think
           • And I make retarded assumptions"
     • Belief that I'm abnormally silly and that is really embarrassing
     • Work
       • Always feeling like I'm doing something wrong when I can't hear the caller
       • Feeling that it's my fault when I cannot assist the caller
       • Always feeling like I my supervisors only think of me by the things i do wrong
       • feeling like the caller's are standing there with a spray bottle
       • Always feeling like I have to be on the defensive
       • When I can't help, I always feel like I have to explain myself, which often is out of scope
       • Forgetting that my supervisors and callers are human too
       • Always feeling like I'm doing something wrong even if I cant think of it
         • my bad memory, confusion, and perceived tendency to miss information make this worse
       • too afraid to offer the survey or online enablement, which I'm supposed to
       • them saying "slow down" makes me feel like I'm 'bad' when I was speaking at a speed thats normally fine
       • I Forget a lot of things I'm told in the call while thinking about other things I'm trying to do for them at the same time
         • I say thank you for calling etc, multiple times
     • I feel like there is a power imbalance when it comes to doctors etc
       • As if I have to prove i need help with an issue
         • Especially with my adhd, and any psychological issues
           • I am afraid that they will think I am confused, self diagnosing
             • that it's all in my head or I'm lying
               • because a lot of people are
     • Assuming that if there is any issue, mistake, or miscommunication between me and another person it is always my fault
     • Always feeling on the defensive, NEVER the offensive
     • Feeling/looking/acting like I'm lying when telling the truth
     • nervousness that looks unnatural
     • little freakouts where i act emotional when i'm actually fine
       • overreacting with full knowledge
         • Almost for looks, i'm trying to be consistent to look normal maybe?
     • abnormally afraid to break social rules
   • Solutions
     • This
     • Logic tools
       • is this messing with my perception of the world and application and ability to use logic and understand the big picture on a bigger scale?
       • My fear is worse than what I'm afraid of
     • counselling
       • feel out warped mindsets sheet
     • No tolerance policy
       • Don't use modifiers
   • Misconceptions
     • Everyone thinks I'm a lesser person
       • even from the get go
     • Everyone's standing around with a spray bottle just for me
     • I'm socially retarded
     • People who already have friends can't also be friends with me
     • My life is pathetic and i should be ashamed of myself
     • People seeing me do stupid things is the end of the world
     • I make more mistakes than the average person
     • Though my mistakes were not purposeful, I don't have any excuse or reason, and i must just accept that I am a bad person.
     • No one else makes the same mistakes that I do
       • I know this is a misconception but I still haven't seen other people making my same mistakes
     • I think differently than other people and it's silly, creepy, and/or otherwise embarrassing
     • The Idea that nothing can change and I'm not in control of my mind
     • the idea that no one will listen to me or follow me if I lead a group
     • The idea that my logic is always wrong, and logic isn't consistant and objective
     • The idea that I am clueless and I cant trust myself to know what's going on
     • The idea that when I don't put on makeup etc it makes me unlikable
       • ie my eyebrows are naturally blonde so it looks like i have none
         • if I don't put on makeup i might as well give up talking to people until i look better